Recovery from Social Anxiety and Related Conditions
Robert F Mullen, PhD
Director/ReChanneling
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The distinction between social anxiety disorder and social anxiety is a matter of severity; reference to one includes the other. The recovery tools and techniques provided apply to comorbid emotional malfunctions including depression, substance abuse, generalized anxiety, and issues of self-esteem and motivation. These malfunctions originate homogeneously, their trajectories differentiated by environment, experience, and the diversity of human thought and behavior.
“Dr. Mullen is doing impressive work helping the world. He is the pioneer of proactive neuroplasticity utilizing DRNI – deliberate, repetitive, neural information.” – WeVoice (Madrid, Málaga)
13 Cognitive Distortions Germane to Social Anxiety
Defense Mechanisms
Defense mechanisms are temporary safeguards against situations that are emotionally challenging for our minds to manage. They are mostly unconscious and automatic psychological responses designed to protect us from our fears and anxieties. We deny, avoid, and compensate rather than confront our problems. We rationalize our behaviors, project them onto others, or displace them by kicking the dog.
Notwithstanding their label, many defense mechanisms support recovery when utilized appropriately. Some, like avoidance, humor, and isolation, need no explanation. Others, such as compensation and dissociation, can have positive values in recovery.
Cognitive distortions, on the other hand, are exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that perpetuate our anxiety and depression. In recovery, we identify these self-destructive processes and, over time, eliminate them from our thoughts and behaviors.
Cognitive Distortions
Understanding how we use cognitive distortions as subconscious strategies to avoid facing certain truths is crucial to recovery. Our social anxiety drives illogical thought patterns. Every instinct perpetrated by social anxiety is counterproductive. That’s how our condition controls us.
By cognitively distorting our reactions and responses to situations, we twist reality to reinforce or justify our toxic behaviors and validate our irrational attitudes, rules, and assumptions.
Our attitudes refer to our emotions, convictions, and behaviors. Rules are the principles or regulations that influence our behaviors, and our assumptions are what we believe to be accurate or authentic. Social anxiety, depression, and related conditions compel us to create inaccurate self-perceptions.
Our compulsion to twist the truth to validate our negative self-appraisal is powerful; it is vital to understand how these distortions sustain our social anxiety.
Be Mindful of Distorted Thinking
Persons experiencing social anxiety are highly susceptible to cognitive distortions. Mindfulness (recognition, comprehension, and acceptance) of the self-destructive nature of these and other defense mechanisms is essential to recovery.
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Similarities
One concern in working with cognitive distortions is recognizing their overlapping characteristics and parallels. Multiple names for the same cognitive distortions are common, and distinguishing one from the others can be challenging.
When we catastrophize, we self-prophesize the worst-case scenario. Polarized thinking compels us to view life as uncompromisingly good or bad. When we filter, we usually gravitate toward the negative perspective of a situation.
Control fallacies lead to blaming and vice versa. We jump to conclusions when we label based on a single characteristic. Emotional reasoning begets personalization, filtering, polarized thinking, and the fallacy of fairness.
The distinctions are obtuse and blurred, but as long as we remain mindful of their self-destructive nature, we can learn to recognize and even anticipate them to devise rational responses.
We are highly susceptible to cognitive distortions when under stress. They are emotional IEDs, capable of destroying our confidence and composure.
Cognitive distortions are rarely cut and dried but tend to share traits and characteristics. That’s what makes it difficult to distinguish clearly. Still, as long as we remain mindful of their self-destructive nature, we can learn to recognize and even anticipate them to devise rational responses. After time and with practice, our reactions become automatic and spontaneous.
The number of cognitive distortions listed by experts ranges substantially. There are thirteen that are particularly germane to social anxiety.
- Always Being Right
- Blaming
- Catastrophizing
- Control Fallacies
- Emotional Reasoning
- Fallacy of Fairness
- Filtering
- Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
- Jumping to Conclusions
- Labeling
- Overgeneralization
- Personalization
- Polarized Thinking
ALWAYS BEING RIGHT
Our years of negative self-appraisal stemming from childhood disturbance and the onset of our social anxiety provoke us to overcompensate for our feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. An unhealthy byproduct of overcompensation is falling into the trap of perfectionism.
This personality trait is especially prevalent in persons experiencing anxiety, depression, and related conditions. Our need to be right protects the fragile self-image sustained by our fears of criticism, ridicule, and rejection. Being right is more important than the truth or the feelings of others. Thoughts or opinions that contradict are harmful to our emotional structure.
Always being right stems from our symptomatic apprehension of judgment, criticism, and ridicule. It is a means of overcompensating for our fragile self-appraisal, characterized by our need to prove our significance by insisting we are unimpeachable, often by proving others’ actions or opinions wrong.
As perfectionists, we find it difficult to accept that we say or do the wrong thing. We will go to any length to prove we’re right, notwithstanding evidence to the contrary.
Perfectionism
A perfectionist perceives anything less than excellence as Failure. It’s the all-or-nothing distortion of polarized thinking common among SAD people. We see things as absolute – black or white. There is no middle ground, no compromise. We are either brilliant or abject failures. Our friends are for us or against us. We are either right or a loser. Anything less than flawless is emotionally untenable.
Striving to be right is a wholesome function of human behavior, inspiring us to teach and influence and motivating us to learn and make sensible decisions. Our insistence that only we know the truth, despite evidence and accuracy to the contrary, is irrational and self-destructive. Always being right supersedes people’s feelings and alienates family and friends.
Our obsession with our perceived imperfections and shortcomings compels us to overcompensate. This fixation is especially prevalent in persons experiencing social anxiety and related conditions due to our low implicit and explicit self-esteem.
Our unhealthy drive for perfectionism causes us to set irrational expectations of ourselves. We cannot accept that we are as flawed and prone to error as the next person. We cannot admit that we can make mistakes or be wrong. Imperfection is unacceptable.
Rigid Core Beliefs
Even when our belief system is inaccurate, it defines how we see ourselves. If the facts don’t comport our beliefs, we dispute or disregard them. When we decline to question our beliefs, we act upon them as though they are infallible, ignoring evidence that contradicts them—even if we doubt the veracity of our claims. Our insecurity is so severe that our maladjusted attitudes, rules, and assumptions run roughshod over the truth and the feelings of others.
Cognitive Bias
We store information consistent with these beliefs, which generates a cognitive bias – a subconscious error in thinking that leads us to misinterpret information, impacting the accuracy of our perspectives and decisions.
Our low self-esteem keeps us on the defensive and compels the need to compensate for feeling helpless, hopeless, undesirable, and worthless – the predominant attributions of anxiety and depression. We ignore or contest anything that poses a threat, especially information inconsistent with what we assert to be true.
We tend to ignore what others say because we need to be perceived as invincible, notwithstanding alternative and logical alternatives. We avoid recognizing anything that might lead us to conclude we are mistaken. Even when we know we are wrong, we find it virtually impossible to admit it because it exacerbates our sense of incompetence and inferiority.
When ill-advised to dispute our authority figures, we grudgingly bow to their conclusions, covertly convinced of our superiority. This servility strips us of our power, generating anger and resentment. We cater to their authority but envy their power, irritated and bitter.
Always being right does not bode well for healthy relationships because our lack of consideration for the feelings and opinions of others is dismissive and demeaning. Friendships are established and sustained by mutual interests and goals, securing an amicable and reciprocal partnership.
No one wants to deal with someone who insists they are right and ignores your opinions. People susceptible to this delusion appear to be insensitive and selfish.
What happens in the likelihood that we are compelled to admit that we are wrong and imperfect?
Because we are psychologically vested in always being right, abandoning that delusion is emotionally untenable. When things do not go our way, we experience distress and disappointment. We search for another defense mechanism, like denial or projection, rather than accept our fallibility.
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BLAMING
Falsely blaming is a negative thinking pattern where we wrongly assign responsibility for a negative outcome. Trapped within social anxiety’s cycle of pejorative self-appraisal, we see ourselves as victims. A victim needs someone or something to blame, including others and self.
External Blaming
External blaming is when we hold others accountable for things that are our responsibility. Years of self-reproach for our negative thoughts and behaviors can be overwhelming. Our defense mechanisms impel us to hold others responsible for what we are unable or unwilling to manage emotionally.
We convince ourselves that others are responsible for the traits and symptoms of our condition. We seek external accountability rather than accepting responsibility for our actions.
Example: We fail an exam and blame it on the alleged bias of the instructor rather than taking responsibility for not studying.
Our perception of situational criticism and ridicule suggests we are privy to the thoughts and perceptions of others – that we are fortune tellers and mind-readers. Fortune-telling is predicting an outcome without considering evidence or reasonable alternatives, while mind-reading assumes we know what another person is feeling or why they act the way they do
Internal Blaming
Individuals experiencing SAD have significantly lower implicit and explicit self-esteem than healthy controls. Our sense of inadequacy and inferiority compels us to overcompensate by taking on responsibility for situations or circumstances that do not necessarily implicate us.
Examples: a dinner guest seems less than enthusiastic. Rather than considering reasonable alternatives, we blame it on our cooking or hosting skills. If our roommate has a personal issue, we attribute it to something we said or did.
It Must Be Our Fault
There is an additional form of internal blaming prevalent in social anxiety disorder. Even when mindful that we bear no responsibility for its origins, we tend to blame our behaviors on perceived character deficiencies and shortfalls rather than the symptoms of our disorder.
SAD thrives on our self-disparagement. Our symptoms cause us to self-characterize as stupid, incompetent, and unattractive. We blame ourselves when we avoid interacting out of fear of rejection. We convince ourselves that our opinions are irrelevant and that our social skills are deplorable.
Until we learn to respond rationally to our fears and social avoidance, we resort to defense mechanisms rather than confront our problems. We displace or project our anger and frustration onto others or cognitively distort our perspective to justify our toxic thoughts and behaviors.
Rather than accept the reality of our symptoms, we hold ourselves, relationships, parents, and higher power responsible.
It is essential to assign responsibility correctly to determine whether blaming is irrational or justifiable and respond accordingly.
Blame for Our Condition
Childhood disturbance generates the susceptibility to adolescent onset of social anxiety. Accountability for the disturbance is ostensibly indeterminable, and no one is likely responsible. Blaming ourselves or others for the origins of our condition is irrational. The first step in recovery is mindfulness (recognition, comprehension, and acceptance) of our symptoms.
While we are not accountable for the hand we have been dealt, we are responsible for how we play those cards. We have the means to alleviate our symptoms dramatically, and not taking advantage of recovery is irrational. While there is no sensible reason to blame for the onset of our condition, our unwillingness to do so is a legitimate cause for self-blame.
Again, mindfulness of our condition and recovery options can compel us to seek moderation of our symptoms.
Blame for Mistreatment by Other
Justifiable blaming is a healthy response to harm, but we often hold onto anger and resentment because we convince ourselves it impacts those who harmed us. However, the responsible party is likely (a) unaware or has forgotten their transgression or takes no responsibility for it. The only person negatively impacted is the injured party.
Forgiving resolves our animus and restores us to equal footing by eliminating the past and the other’s influence. Our innate drive for vengeance can be formidable; our baser instinct wants retribution. Forgiving removes our need for retaliation; it rids us of our victimization and vindictiveness.
Blame for Mistreatment of Others
Shame for harming another is natural and necessary, and accepting responsibility is crucial. We feel guilt for harming and shame for being the type of person who would cause harm. Our negative self-appraisal is resolved by making direct or substitutional amends and forgiving ourselves.
Self-Blame
Self-transgression is particularly cataclysmic. It defines us as deserving of abuse. Self-pity, contempt, and other hyphenated forms of self-sabotaging behavior devalue our self-esteem. Forgiving ourselves is challenging for those with social anxiety because our negative core and intermediate beliefs underscore our actions.
Resolving the need to blame is essential. The negative emotions generated by blaming (e.g., anger, shame, resentment) are destructive to our emotional well-being. By withholding forgiveness, we allow the negativity to occupy valuable space in our brains.
While there are legitimate reasons to blame, evaluation and subsequent rational response will enable the flow of positive thought and behavior, which is essential for healing.
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CATASTROPHIZING
Chicken Little was plucking worms in the henyard when an acorn dropped from a tree onto her head. She had no idea what hit her and assumed the worst. The sky is falling, the sky is falling, she clucked hysterically.
In simple terms, catastrophizing is when we jump to the worst possible conclusion about a situation rather than considering more likely explanations. It’s assuming the sky is falling when a tiny nugget hits our head instead of recognizing it’s just an acorn.
We all have our Chicken Little moments, where we prophesize the worst and twist our reality to support our projection. Social anxiety and related conditions exacerbate this compulsion. If our significant other complains of a headache, we assume the relationship is doomed. If we observe a skin abrasion, we conclude we have cancer. These are the everyday catastrophes we create in our minds.
SAD Expectations
A symptom of SAD is our tendency to expect adverse outcomes in situations. We self-prophesize them. We assume the worst because of our negative self-appraisal and inherent negativity bias. We often justify our catastrophizing based on prior events, misrepresenting both situations.
Similar Cognitive Distortions
Catastrophizing is strikingly similar to other cognitive distortions. For instance, overgeneralization prompts us to assume one bad apple renders the entire bushel rotten. When we filter, we ignore the suggestion of a positive outcome in favor of a disastrous one.
Catastrophizing v. Jumping to Conclusions
Catastrophizing is the negative extreme of jumping to conclusions. This term refers to when we make hasty judgments or assumptions about a situation without all the facts. As the word implies, catastrophizing is the ultimate negative scenario.
Predisposition
Catastrophizing often results from our SAD anxiety-driven fear of social interaction and performance situations. It’s symptomatic to anticipate criticism, ridicule, and rejection. But it’s crucial not to let these feelings dictate our lives.
Consequences
Catastrophizing is not just a harmless habit. It’s paralyzing. It limits our ability to interact and engage socially because we avoid situations that could lead to disappointment. Our fatalistic obsessions prevent us from fully experiencing and enjoying life. It closes off possibilities and severely hampers our ability to establish, develop, and maintain healthy relationships.
Considering the consequences of incidents and situations is a regular and rational part of our thoughts and behaviors. The compulsion to project the worst possible scenarios is a self-destructive component of social anxiety.
Fortunately, the solution is within our grasp. By recognizing our vulnerability to this distortion, we can start to rationally assess the situation and consider more plausible explanations.
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CONTROL FALLACIES
A fallacy is a questionable assumption. It is a belief based on unreliable evidence and unsound arguments. The term ‘Control Fallacy’ was coined by psychologist William Glasser to describe a common thinking pattern where we either believe that (1) something or someone has power and control over things that happen to us or (2) we hold that type of power over others.
We believe life events are beyond our control, or we assume responsibility for things that are not our own doing.
External Control Fallacy
External control fallacy occurs when we feel managed and manipulated by others, rendering us perceptually weak and powerless. This pattern of thinking is often a result of our social anxiety, which can make us feel impotent and unable to assert ourselves.
We blame outside forces, such as fate, weather, or authority figures, instead of assuming responsibility for our actions. For example, a delinquent blames her parents, a philanderer blames his wife, and a student blames their failing grades on an instructor with a personal vendetta.
A core belief of social anxiety is our sense of helplessness, hopelessness, undesirability, and worthlessness. Situations where we feel powerless and unimpactful convince us that we have little control over our lives. Our efforts seem futile, and we do not deserve happiness.
Internal Control Fallacy
Internal control fallacy is when we compensate for our inability to manage our lives by perceptually taking control of others. Our illogical mindset convinces us we are responsible for what others experience. Our symptomatic apprehension of judgment and criticism drives us to assume responsibility for other people’s thoughts and behaviors.
We become mind-readers and fortune-tellers. We blame ourselves for outside adversities and unhappiness. This distorted thinking pattern can lead to unwarranted feelings of shame and guilt for their misfortune.
Blaming
Assigning responsibility to another for something we did suggests an inability or unwillingness to accept the repercussions of our behaviors. Subsequently, we feel guilt for our inadequacy and shame for our weakness. When these feelings become unmanageable, we resort to blaming others, thus giving them external control.
Conversely, assuming responsibility for someone else’s behavior can lead to self-blame. “It’s my fault my wife is a kleptomaniac.” “He drinks because I don’t appreciate him enough.” The belief that we have failed them invites self-guilt and wreaks unreasonable havoc on our self-esteem, a damaging consequence of internal control fallacy.
One unfortunate control fallacy prevalent in social anxiety is our tendency to blame ourselves for our condition, forgetting or disputing the childhood disturbance and negative trajectory that caused it. We must be mindful that we are not responsible for our social anxiety. We did not make it happen. It happened to us.
(However, it is crucial to accept responsibility for any unwillingness or inability to resolve our condition. We, alone, bear the onus of recovery.)
Inaccurate Accountability
Control fallacies are inaccurate assignations. Logic dictates that we assume responsibility for our actions and stop taking it for problems we did not create. Social anxiety, however, provokes cognitive distortions and other defense mechanisms – subconscious strategies to reinforce, justify, or avoid our irrational thoughts and behaviors. Unfortunately, they also perpetuate our anxiety and depression.
To avoid feeling victimized, we can adopt a more proactive approach. Instead of blaming others for our emotional distress or ourselves for our inability to control our lives, we can focus on understanding our emotions and taking steps to manage them.
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EMOTIONAL REASONING
Emotional reasoning, the act of making judgments and decisions based solely on our feelings, is a common human experience. It’s the most prevalent cognitive distortion, often dictating how we comprehend reality and relate to the world. This irrational thinking, best described by the colloquialism “My gut tells me,” is something many of us experiencing social anxiety grapple with.
The core of this cognitive distortion lies in the belief that our feelings must be accurate. If we feel like a failure, then we must be one. If we feel inadequate, then we must be incapable. If we make a mistake, we must be foolish.
All the negative thoughts we have about ourselves, others, and the world must be valid because they feel real. This self-perception, driven by emotional reasoning, can significantly impact our thoughts and behavior.
Influence on Other Cognitive Distortions
The irrational thought patterns that underlie our cognitive distortions are rooted in our SAD-provoked convictions of helplessness, hopelessness, undesirability, and worthlessness. These emotional attributions influence our response and reaction to life’s challenges.
For example, by filtering, we selectively ignore the positive aspects of a situation because of our negativity bias and adverse self-appraisal. This unbalanced perspective leads to polarized thinking, where we perceive things only in black or white. Because of our negative self-beliefs and image, we assume everything that happens is our fault, and anything said derogatorily reflects on us.
When our friends and associates are busily engaged with other people at a social event, we convince ourselves we are tedious and undesirable. Our emotional reasoning then devolves into other cognitive distortions, such as personalization, internal blaming, and control fallacies.
Emotions
Emotions are our immediate reactions to situations. They are products of what we think or assume is happening and our subsequent reaction or response.
Our emotions are also our automatic, unconscious reactions and responses to stress. Evidence, observation, and facts are secondary considerations. If we have distorted thoughts and beliefs, our emotions reflect them.
We likely misinterpret reality when we make judgments and decisions solely based on our feelings without supporting evidence.
Maintaining a Balanced Perspective
Most oxymorons are figures of speech containing contradictory terms that cancel each other out, e.g., the ambiguous jumbo shrimp. However, individuals who base their beliefs and decisions on emotion and reasoning can be shrewd analysts who listen to their hearts and logically consider the evidence and alternatives. It’s a reasonable oxymoron.
Staying in touch with our feelings and trusting our instincts is healthy, provided they correspond with reality. A balanced perspective, one that embraces emotion and intuition as well as evidence, is a powerful tool in our recovery. It allows us to navigate life’s challenges with clarity and understanding.
Resolving Emotional Reasoning
Recovery requires a rational response-based strategy for psychological balance, considering the simultaneous mutual interaction of mind, body, spirit, and emotions. By examining and analyzing our automatic negative thoughts, we can counter our predilection for emotional reasoning.
We learn to rechannel the emotional angst of our situational fears and anxieties into intellectual self-awareness, considering facts, evidence, alternative possibilities, and multiple perspectives.
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FALLACY OF FAIRNESS
The fallacy of fairness is the unrealistic assumption that life should be fair. It is a part of human nature to equate fairness with how well our personal preferences are met. We all have our ideas of how we want others to treat us, and anything that conflicts with that can seem unreasonable and emotionally suspect.
As we all know, fairness is subjective. Two people seldom agree on its application. Even the concept is irrational. This is aptly encapsulated in The Princess Bride, where Grandpa posits, “Who says life is fair? Where is that written?”
Remember, fairness is a concept that varies based on experiences, culture, and environment. It’s a personally biased assessment of how well others meet our wants and expectations. When reality clashes with our perceptions of fairness, it’s normal to feel a wave of negative emotions. We’re not alone in this.
The belief that everything is based on fairness and equality is a noble but unrealistic philosophy. We can strive for such things, but life is inequitable. People are self-oriented, and institutions are singularly focused. Only nature is impartial.
While it’s natural to desire things to work in our favor, expecting them to do so is futile and irrational.
Unreasonable Expectations
We want to be valued in a certain way, but reciprocation is governed by the other and rarely comports with our expectations. We then, ostensibly, resort to blaming rather than recognizing the other’s expectations and our self-centered, irrational assumptions.
The problem is exacerbated in persons experiencing social anxiety because our condition subsists on our irrational thoughts and behaviors, which means that our expectations are often unreasonable as well. Ironically, we are unsurprised when they are unmet because we symptomatically project adverse outcomes.
We often base our concept of fairness on conditional assumptions, which allow us to shun personal accountability. “If my teacher knew how hard I studied, she’d give me a passing grade.” However, studying does not always determine comprehension, and teachers, ostensibly, base grades on test results. Even the vigor of studying is subjective.
Social Anxiety and Fairness
A common misconception is expressed in the phrase,” If my parents had treated me better, I wouldn’t have social anxiety disorder.” Notwithstanding our desire to source our discontent, a direct cause of our condition is indeterminate, and blaming is irrational, given the evidence or lack thereof.
We can empower ourselves by stepping outside the bullseye―emotionally detaching from an undesirable situation and evaluating it from multiple angles. Fairness is subjective and based on personal beliefs and experiences. Developing mindfulness of the needs and experiences of others is a crucial part of recovery. By evaluating our fears and avoidance of social interaction, we can open ourselves up to other points of view and truly understand the sheer subjectivity of fairness.
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FILTERING
Our negative core and intermediate beliefs form in response to childhood disturbance and the onset of our condition. Core beliefs are more rigid in those of us living with social anxiety because we tend to store information consistent with negative beliefs. Influenced by this, our intermediate beliefs establish our attitudes, rules, and assumptions.
Even if irrational or inaccurate, our beliefs define how we see ourselves. When we decline to question these beliefs, we act upon them as though they are accurate and reasonable, ignoring evidence that contradicts them.
Negativity Bias
To compound this, humans, regardless of their background, have an inherent negativity bias. We are genetically predisposed to respond more strongly to adversity, which aggravates the symptoms of our social anxiety.
We anticipate the worst-case scenario. We expect criticism, ridicule, and rejection. We worry about embarrassing or humiliating ourselves. We project unpleasant outcomes that become self-fulfilling prophecies.
It is not surprising that we readily turn to filtering to justify our irrational thought patterns.
When we engage in filtering, we selectively choose our perspective. Our tunnel vision gravitates toward the adverse aspects of a situation and excludes the positive. This applies to our memories as well. We dwell on the unfortunate aspects of what happened rather than the whole picture.
A person who consistently filters out negative information is someone with an excessively cheerful or optimistic personality. Conversely, a person who emphasizes gloom and doom is unhappy or defeatist. Those of us living with SAD tend to mirror the latter.
Negative Self-Appraisal
We filter out positive aspects of our lives, dwelling on situations and memories supporting our negative self-appraisal. This tendency creates an emotional imbalance due to excluding healthy thoughts and behaviors. We view ourselves, the world, and our future through an unforgiving lens.
Negative filtering is one of the most common cognitive distortions in anxiety because it sustains our toxic core and intermediate beliefs. Our pessimistic outlook exacerbates our feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, undesirability, and worthlessness. We accentuate the negative.
A dozen people in our office celebrate our promotion; one ignores us. We obsess over the lone individual and disregard the goodwill of the rest. We reinforce our feelings of undesirability and alienation by dwelling on the negative aspect of the situation.
To effectively challenge our tendency to filter information, we need to identify the situations that provoke our anxiety and corresponding ANTs (automatic negative thoughts). From there, we can begin to analyze the unsoundness of our reactions and devise rational responses.
This process, though initially demanding, holds the promise of transformation and growth. With time and practice, rational reactions and responses become reflexive and spontaneous. Cognitive behaviorists call them ARTs – automatic rational thoughts.
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HEAVEN’S REWARD FALLACY
Heaven’s reward fallacy is the unreasonable assumption that we will be justly rewarded for our hard work and sacrifice. Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive-behavioral therapy, describes it as “expecting all sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score, and feeling disappointed and even bitter when the reward does not come.”
Unmet Expectations
The irrational belief that all our good efforts will be recognized and reciprocated can lead to unmet expectations. This can aggravate our condition and trigger disappointment, frustration, and resentment.
The symptomatic fear of human connectivity and avoidance of social situations underscores the SAD person’s craving for recognition and appreciation. Our apprehensions of criticism, ridicule, and rejection induce isolation. Subsequently, we reach out, hoping to alleviate our loneliness.
Fallacy of Fairness
The fallacy of fairness is the unrealistic assumption that life should be subjectively fair. Coupled with heaven’s reward fallacy, it can create an endless cycle of disappointment and self-destructive behavior. We know how we want to be treated, and anything that displaces that is emotionally untenable—even if our expectations are immoderate and implausible.
Unhealthy Motivations
Fixing the expectation of reward in our minds for services rendered makes it real and visceral, driving us to repeat our behavior. We overcompensate or become codependent, continually saying yes to others – often sacrificing our needs. Sacrifice carries the expectation of reward.
We seek perfectionism in our drive to be appreciated and loved. We become consummate enablers, compensating for our feelings of undesirability and worthlessness. Rather than setting boundaries, we allow ourselves to be bullied and taken advantage of, seeking affirmation and appreciation. Setting boundaries is challenging for persons experiencing social anxiety. Compensation, codependency, and perfectionism are prevalent traits.
We undervalue our worth and significance by engaging in heaven’s reward fallacy. We convince ourselves our actions are selfless, but they are likely motivated by our neediness and loneliness.
Set Reasonable Expectations
It is human nature to expect reciprocation for our efforts. Life, however, is not fair. By setting rational, reasonable, possible, positive, and unconditional expectations, we can regain a sense of control and avoid the pitfalls of disappointment.
Set Expectations Early On
When setting expectations, we must focus on what we can control ourselves. We can plan strategies and coping mechanisms to meet our expectations but setting expectations of someone else’s behavior is futile. Remember, it’s called self-esteem, not other-esteem.
Self-Esteem
Persons experiencing SAD are subject to significantly lower implicit and explicit self-esteem than healthy controls. However, we can regenerate our self-esteem by using specific tools and techniques. This rebuilding is crucial, as healthy self-esteem enhances our ability to set and maintain reasonable expectations, a vital aspect of recovery and self-empowerment.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
No matter how reasonably we set them, our expectations will often be partially or wholly unmet. Reasonable expectations require flexibility, cognitive comprehension, and self-awareness.
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JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
Jumping to conclusions occurs when we make negative assumptions without considering all the relevant facts. For instance, we might overgeneralize that one luckless attempt at a relationship means every other effort will lead to failure and then jump to the conclusion we will never find love. Similarly, we might assume that a single mistake at work means we’re incompetent and will never succeed in our careers. These are broad, unsubstantiated, and unjustifiable claims, which, when properly analyzed, can help us challenge this distortion.
Jumping to conclusions implies we are telepathic and clairvoyant. Our anticipation of adverse outcomes makes us fortune-tellers, while our belief we are constantly being judged and criticized suggests that we are mind-readers.
We form hasty and inaccurate conclusions unsubstantiated by evidence or the particulars of a situation. Jumping to conclusions is a two-pronged distortion. We make impulsive decisions and then ignore reasonable evidence contradicting them. This fixation is very much in line with our ‘core beliefs’, which are deeply ingrained self-beliefs that influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When we decline to question these beliefs, we disregard evidence to the contrary.
Prior Evidence
We often base our presumptions on prior experience. If something happens once, we convince ourselves that it will likely repeat itself. If we make a fool of ourselves in one situation, we expect to make the same mistake in another.
We worry we will embarrass or humiliate ourselves. We personal-label as incompetent or undesirable. We react and respond defensively to self-prophesized failure and disappointment. We avoid intimacy and companionship because we anticipate ridicule and rejection.
If our significant other is in a bad mood, we conclude it is our fault. If our manager is curt and dismissive, we assume we did something wrong. If a stranger passes us on the sidewalk, it is because we are unappealing. We continually jump to unsubstantiated and irrational conclusions that negatively impact our emotional well-being.
Solution
Our desire for stability causes us to seek certainty and predictability. Our anxiety flourishes in unsettled or unfamiliar situations. Our fight-or-flight response to stress compels us to make rash and definitive decisions that prohibit broader considerations and perspectives, limiting our ability to understand subtext and alternatives fully.
It is essential to remain vigilant that cognitive distortions validate our irrational thoughts and behaviors and perpetuate our anxiety and depression. There are simple and obvious steps we can take to challenge these distortions. The rational response to jumping to conclusions is to:
- Recognize that the behavior or situation is an isolated incident.
- Identify our associated fears and corresponding automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) that compel the need to distort the situation.
- Consider reasonable alternatives and probabilities.
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LABELING
When we label an individual or group, we reduce them to a single, usually negative, characteristic or descriptor based on a single event or behavior. Labeling diminishes our perception of someone and filters out information that contradicts the stereotype.
A stereotype is an oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. It is a generalized belief about a particular category of people – a personal expectation about their general behavior because of a characteristic or event.
The consequences of labeling others are far-reaching, leading to false assumptions, prejudice, and ostracizing. For instance, we might label someone as a gossip simply because they shared a story about their neighbor. The youngster who rides his tricycle over our front lawn might be labeled a “little monster.”
Labeling can fuel and maintain painful personal emotions and generate hostility in others. The practice embraces false assumptions and can lead to emotional confusion and distress. “Because he can’t fix the dishwasher, he is useless.” “Because she won’t talk to me, I am ugly.”
Other Labeling
Our SAD symptoms compel us to label others to support our preconceived notions about how they perceive us. Our conversational inadequacy might make us label the group rude and dismissive. If we expect rejection, they might be cold and untrustworthy. Because we feel like the center of attention, our social inadequacy could lead us to label the entire room as mean or arrogant.
Labeling is a dangerous trap in the realm of social anxiety. Our fears and anxieties often lead us to project our resentment and frustration onto those close to us. This defense mechanism can be particularly damaging when we label a friend or significant other for unintentional behavior.
For instance, if we feel unsupported at a social event, we might label our companion cold or indifferent. Similarly, if a parent criticizes us at dinner, we might identify them as cruel or hateful. Polarized thinking, filtering, emotional reasoning, jumping to conclusions, and overgeneralization all contribute to our labeling tendencies, which can jeopardize and destroy relationships.
Personal Labeling
When someone labels us, we know how distressing it can be. But what about when we label ourselves? This personal assault sustains our negative self-appraisal, which is a crucial point for self-reflection. For instance, if we didn’t meet anyone at a party, we might label ourselves as undesirable.
Personal labeling often leads to thoughts that support our self-image. Self-labels like “I am inadequate” and “I am unattractive” reinforce our sense of hopelessness and undesirability, and we frequently find our subsequent behaviors align with these labels. A person who self-labels as stupid for failing to answer a question correctly may give up trying and compensate by misbehaving in class.
Labels are inherently irrational and myopic. They stem from a single characteristic, behavior, or event, disregarding the person’s or situation’s complexity. Making snap judgments about someone based on one isolated incident or behavior is almost always inaccurate.
They do not define someone’s entire character.
Instead of fixating on the specific element that leads to the label, it is crucial to appreciate the positive contributions of the person or group. By cultivating compassionate insight, we can rationally observe ourselves and others, acknowledging the richness and diversity of human thought and experience.
By embracing mindfulness, a powerful tool that involves recognizing, comprehending, and accepting our patterns of thinking, we can challenge and change our compulsion to label.
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OVERGENERALIZATION
A reasonable individual learns from their experiences. We respond by considering how an earlier, similar event played out. That’s how we evolve. If the results are adverse, we can change our approach to avoid making the same mistakes.
However, due to our fragile self-appraisal, those of us experiencing social anxiety are more likely to avoid the situation entirely. Our compulsion to filter out the positive aspects of a situation influences future participation. Our polarized thinking focuses primarily on what went wrong, and we tend to jump to negative conclusions without considering all the evidence.
Overgeneralization takes this negative pattern of thinking one step further. We convince ourselves that an adverse experience from one event will invariably apply to other events, regardless of whether the circumstances of these situations are comparable. In essence, we perceive any negative experience as part of an inescapable pattern of thought and behavior.
Overgeneralization leads us to assume that one mistake guarantees future failure. For example, if an attempt at humor falls flat, we tell ourselves, “I always mess up my jokes, and no one appreciates me. I will never be perceived as likable.” We overgeneralize the unfortunate situation and refrain from engaging in future interaction.
This fear of judgment and criticism, combined with our negative self-appraisal and inherent negativity bias, aggravates our social anxiety and related conditions, limiting growth, opportunities, new experiences, and healthy relationships.
When we overgeneralize, we assume the worst-case scenario, convincing ourselves that one mistake guarantees that all future attempts will fail―that a single adverse incident predicts a consistent pattern of defeat.
An example of overgeneralization would be concluding that because we didn’t get the position after a great interview, we will never be able to get a job. We deem prospects hopeless.
Or we experience an excellent first date only to have our follow-up phone calls ignored and our messages ghosted. We assume we are an unattractive and uninteresting companion destined to never find true love.
It is important to note that overgeneralization is a common human tendency. We’ve all experienced those moments when exhausted from a hard day’s work, we come home to a house in shambles, feeling like the rest of the family will always take us for granted. Or when we’re the last chosen for the church picnic softball team, we assume we are generally unlikeable or incompetent. These are likely overgeneralizations.
When overgeneralization impacts our self-worth negatively, it becomes a problem. It can reduce our motivation, inhibit self-confidence, and convince us that everyone finds us incompetent, undesirable, and incapable of doing anything right.
Solution
Our desire for stability causes us to seek out certainty and predictability. Our anxiety flourishes in situations that are unsettled or unfamiliar. Our fight-or-flight response to stress compels us to make rash decisions that prohibit broader considerations and perspectives, limiting our ability to understand subtext and alternatives fully.
It is essential to remain vigilant that cognitive distortions validate our irrational thoughts and behaviors and perpetuate our anxiety and depression. There are simple and obvious steps we can take to challenge these distortions. The rational response to overgeneralization (and jumping to conclusions) is to:
- Recognize that the behavior or situation is an isolated incident.
- Identify our fears, apprehensions, and corresponding ANTs that compel the need to distort the situation.
- Consider reasonable alternatives and probabilities.
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PERSONALIZATION
When someone says to us, “Don’t take it personally,” we are likely engaging in personalization. This is a common pattern of self-centered thinking that many of us experiencing social anxiety fall into.
When we engage in this pattern of thinking, we involve ourselves in unrelated situations, and random remarks become personally relevant. We assume responsibility for adverse outcomes, even though we have nothing to do with the incident.
As in emotional reasoning, we let our emotions supersede rational interpretation.
This self-focused perspective fuels low self-esteem, exacerbating our anxiety and depression. Such psychological barriers then fuel other distortions, including overgeneralization, where our conclusions lack evidence, and filtering, where we choose pessimism over possibility.
Misperceptions
Have you ever walked into a room, and everyone suddenly stops talking? Assuming we were the topic of conversation is an example of personalization. Our self-centered sense of conspicuousness ignores alternative and more reasonable explanations.
Personalization is closely associated with control fallacies, where we errantly believe we are responsible for things we have little or nothing to do with. This can lead to internal blaming, where we assume responsibility for things that do that do not necessarily implicate us. When we blame ourselves if our companion is not enjoying the evening, we are personalizing. When we feel undesirable when excluded from an activity, we are personalizing.
Our concerns about how others perceive us underscore our compulsion to personalize. Basing our self-appraisal by comparing ourselves to others is a form of personalization. If a coworker receives a commendation, we feel disrespected if we are not equally honored. We feel deprived of acclaim to which we think we are entitled, convinced we are being slighted or disparaged.
The mature and rational response is an appreciation for the success of our colleague, but our low self-esteem finds us envious and resentful.
Examples of Personalization
Consider these everyday scenarios: if our partner is in a bad mood, we assume we’re at fault. If our boss slams the office door, we jump to the conclusion that our work is inadequate. If a stranger ignores us, we instantly feel insignificant. These are all instances of personalization.
As children, we believe the world revolves around us. We are cognitively incapable of considering other probabilities. We assume our parents fight because we did something wrong. We feel neglected or abandoned if a phone call disrupts our parental quality time. Most reasonable people evolve from childlike self-obsession, but our compulsion to personalize makes us feel underappreciated and misunderstood.
Solutions
It is essential to step back – to remove ourself from the bullseye – and reassess the situation rationally. We are not responsible for problems we do not create, nor are we accountable for the thoughts and behaviors of others.
Overcoming personalization requires a shift in our negative pattern of thinking. Mindfulness of our strengths, virtues, and achievements plays a significant role in regenerating our self-esteem. Recognition, comprehension, and acceptance of our attributes can help us develop rational and reasonable responses that counteract the urge to personalize.
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POLARIZED THINKING
One of the most arduous battles a SAD individual faces is the constant wrestling with self-doubt and self-criticism. We find ourselves endlessly dissecting our every move, replaying conversations in our heads, and berating ourselves for perceived mistakes. This self-imposed pressure to be faultless can be overwhelming, as we convince ourselves that anything less than perfection is a failure.
In polarized thinking, we view things in extremes – black or white. There is no middle ground, no room for compromise. We are either exceptional or complete failures. Our friends are either with us or against us. We deny the possibility of balanced perspectives or positive outcomes. We hesitate to give people the benefit of the doubt and apply the same skepticism to our own decisions.
Our self-judgment is even harsher than our fear of outside criticism. We believe we are flawed if we are not exemplary and socially competent. We have little tolerance for mistakes or mediocrity, leading to self-deprecating conclusions like, “I failed my last exam; I fail at everything I try. I’m a loser.”
Perfectionism is not just a desire to excel but a relentless pursuit of flawlessness. This unattainable standard only serves to intensify our condition. SAD persons constantly worry about being judged, fearing that any imperfection will lead to rejection.
Perfection is a futile pursuit because it is impossible to attain. Healthy neural information is rational, possible, and reasonable. Perfectionism fulfills none of these criteria. Like filtering, polarized thinking is selective.
Negativity Bias
The word polarize suggests a spectrum of thought and behavior with positivity at one end and adversity at the other. Person’s experiencing social anxiety ostensibly chooses the latter until we turn our focus to possibility and opportunity.
Again, let’s not underestimate the power of our inherent negativity bias. We are genetically hard-wired to respond more strongly to adversity, a trait that amplifies the symptoms of our condition. We anticipate worst-case scenarios, expecting criticism, ridicule, and rejection. The fear of embarrassing or humiliating ourselves is a constant companion.
Solution
To remedy our pessimistic perspective, we identify the anxiety-provoking situation and examine our corresponding fears and automatic negative thoughts (ANTs). From there, we analyze their inaccuracy and initiate rational responses.
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Concluding Remarks
Individuals grappling with social anxiety often find themselves entangled in cognitive distortions and defense mechanisms. However, the journey to recovery begins with the empowering act of recognizing, comprehending, and accepting these self-destructive patterns. This process not only fosters recovery but also cultivates attentive listening skills, enabling us to engage in active communication where we truly value what others have to say. In empathic interaction, our goal is to understand, and then to be understood.
As we nurture our self-esteem, we embark on a journey of self-discovery, learning to identify the root causes of our irrational thinking patterns. By overcoming our fears of judgment and criticism through the regeneration of self-esteem, we open ourselves to accepting and appreciating the value of others. Positive psychology serves as our guide, leading us to embrace our unique character strengths, attributes, and shortfalls. This journey of self-appreciation not only fills us with confidence and joy but also inspires us to pay it forward, spreading positivity and understanding.
It’s vital to approach life’s events with a holistic view, considering multiple perspectives. We need to steer clear of the narrow focus of filtering, the inflexibility of polarized thinking, and the half measure of emotional reasoning. Instead, we should embrace the diverse kaleidoscope of viewpoints, interpretations, and possibilities that life offers.
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